“Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.” ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
The election season is nearly upon us. Run for your lives.
Just kidding, of course. Politics is a natural, if somewhat noxious byproduct of democracy. Think of politics as the toe jam of a free society.
At any rate, the presidential candidates are already jumping into the race (when they aren’t walking into court). We could be looking at a rematch of the 2020 campaign, but a number of GOP challengers are hoping to change the dynamic. It won’t be long before candidates for lesser offices will likewise begin making their own ambitions known.
As the months go on toward the next election season, the rhetoric will heat up, charges and accusations will fly like chaff in the wind, commercials will begin to clog the airways and campaign workers will begin handing out all manner of election-related flotsam — from fliers to football schedules — at any public gathering larger than an old man playing solitaire in the park. And, indeed, this next presidential race may indeed involve two old men, but that’s a tale for another day.
To help simplify your upcoming election season, as a public service I have developed a political translator (patent pending). I know it looks like an old transistor radio. That’s because it is, but with a few key modifications. Point this device at a political candidate or their representative, and it will take what is being said and translate into what he or she really means.
OK. Now, let’s take a random list of phrases that will be uttered by, and about, political candidates in the 69 weeks between now and election day 2024, and let the translator do its thing.
“He is his own man.” He is an independent thinker, listening only to his conscience — and his campaign manager, his chief of staff, his largest contributor, his media strategist, his chief fund-raiser, his pollster, his barber, his personal valet, his golf buddies, his mistress and his wife.
“He’s a man of great moral fiber.” He hasn’t been caught yet (well, he hasn’t been convicted, anyway).
“The voters can identify with him.” He’s got more money than several thousand of his constituents put together, wouldn’t go into a Walmart if he was forced to at gunpoint, thinks anyone who doesn’t have two or three homes and a private jet is underprivileged and thinks NASCAR is a type of eye makeup.
“He won’t back down to the special interest groups.” No sir. He won’t back down. He’ll bend over backward to kiss his own tush if they tell him to, but he won’t back down.
“He has a clear vision for our future.” His vision of our future is as follows. We listen to what he has to say, we lap it up like kittens in a milk pail and we vote for him, thus assuring he doesn’t have to get an honest job for the next four years.
“I am going to fight against wokeness.” I am going to fight to stay awake during town hall meetings with my mouth-breathing constituents.
“This campaign will focus on the issues.” I will find out what you want to hear and give it to you. I’ll promise to cut taxes, trim spending and rid the world of athlete’s foot if I think it will get you to vote for me.
“Our children’s future is at stake.” My children’s future is at stake. If I lose this election, Biff will have to give up polo and Muffy’s dreams of becoming the first in her online charter school to wreck a Maserati will be dashed.
“Are you better off today than you were two, four or six years ago?” Who cares about you, I’ve been steadily employed for the those years and have been doing quite nicely, thank you.
“I’ve never believed in polls.” The latest numbers show I’m getting clobbered. If I ever pull ahead, I’ll start believing in polls again.
“We still have a lot to do.” I spent my whole last term trying to get re-elected. Vote for me again and I promise to try and do at least one constructive thing during my next term, if it suits me.
“People will vote with their hearts.” Thank God they won’t vote with their brains. If they did, I’d have as much chance of getting elected as Bill Cosby has of being named pope.
“No dream is beyond our reach.” If a lazy, no-talent, brainless putz like me can get elected, anything is possible. The next thing you know Markwayne Mullin (no relation) will challenge a union leader to an MMA cage fight (oh, wait, that really happened).
“Let’s take back the streets from our criminals.” Let’s get them off the streets by putting them in public office.
On second thought, maybe we’re better off not knowing what our political candidates are really saying.
Mullin is an award-winning writer and columnist who retired in 2017 after 41 years with the News and Eagle. Email him at janjeff2002@yahoo.com or write him in care of the Enid News & Eagle at PO Box 1192, Enid, OK, 73702.
