FWB has bad politics and wants to date, what do I do? – Slate

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I (28F) just moved back to my small, rural (aka conservative) hometown due to a family illness, with no plans to leave anytime soon. To say dating options are thin on the ground is the understatement of the year. My problem stems from my high school friend “Joe” who still lives in the area. We danced around our attraction in high school but never acted on it … until a recent semi-drunken Friday night. Hands down the best sex I’ve ever had in my life (like holy crap, I’m mourning all the missed years we could have had), and it’s only gotten better the last few times I’ve seen him.

The problem is as much of a physical attraction I have to Joe, I’m not sure I like him much outside the bedroom. Our politics don’t align, and he’s got a major chip on his shoulder about his upbringing that will take years of therapy that he would never do to resolve. As we see each other more, he’s starting to ask why we don’t consider actually dating. I’ve demurred, telling him I’m not ready, that I’m not looking for anything serious, I’m not sure how long I’m staying in town, etc. He’s persistent and says he adores me. I know they say opposites attract, but I’m pretty sure things would fall apart fast if we decided to become official. It’s a small town and I’m not willing to risk it. There’s also a lot he doesn’t know about me (I’m bi, write erotic fiction in my spare time, stuff like that) that I never plan to share with anyone from home. How do I tell this guy I’m really only here for what happens behind closed doors without wrecking the best friends-with-benefits situation I’ve ever had?

—I Like You, but…

Dear I Like You,

One option is to continue what you’ve been doing with your polite, somewhat vague demurring and just accept that the dick tax you have to pay is putting up with his persistence.

Or you could take the radical option of being … completely honest. Tell him clearly that you like where things are now and you don’t want them to change. Tell him that while you enjoy the sex, you don’t see a future with him. You’ve reached the point where the imbalance in interest means that you are stringing him along. You know he wants more from the relationship than you’re willing to give, but you don’t want to say that because it could lead to the rescinding of that good dick. Even if this guy has some traits that aren’t exactly ideal and certainly aren’t compatible with what you’re looking for in a romantic partner, he’s still a person, and it’s only fair that he knows where your head is at. The risk you take is for him to pack things up for being unwilling to spend time on a dead end. Right now, his view of said dead end is obstructed. It would be humane to show him what’s actually going on. I think you can let him down easy and/or stack the deck for you to continue this sexual relationship by appealing to his ego and letting him know that it’s the best sex of your life. He may find it hard to withdraw entirely if he knows the extent to which he’s appreciated.

Also, don’t feel bad about being transparent; it’s completely reasonable to want to hang onto sex partners with whom you have chemistry but no obvious future. It’s why the concept of FWB was invented.

Dear How to Do It,

How do you shave your balls!?! After 15 years of marriage, I’m back in the dating world and have run up against this very real question. My girlfriend really enjoys giving head, but asked me if I’d make sure I’m freshly shaved. Totally reasonable, as I don’t like swallowing a forest of hair either. I was never brave enough to try saving my twig and berries with a razor—can barely make it through my face without a nick—so I went out and bought an electric trimmer made just for sensitive areas. After thoroughly reading the eight pages of instructions, which never mentioned how to actually shave without snagging yourself, I did just that. Twice. Ouch!

It seems the wrinkles in my scrotum are not particularly compatible with trimmers? I looked high and low across the internet and have found surprisingly little info on how to do this well. The best I’ve come up with so far is to put a 2mm guard on the trimmer, jerk myself until I’m hard, allowing me to get a relatively close shave on the shaft. Then I do my best to pull my scrotum tight while hovering the razor a few millimeters above the skin and doing my best to cut the hair. There’s gotta be another way that isn’t waxing (nope) or Nair (also nope).
Thoughts? Instructional videos? Something I’m totally missing?

—Things They Should Have Taught in Sex Ed

Dear Sex Ed,

I’ve been there: nicked by what was marketed as a buzzer for my balls. It’s a job hazard of sorts, I suppose. You basically have it down—pulling the skin taut is essential. You should do a pre-trim with scissors. It seems like people are divided on the best pre-treatment: warm or cold water. Warm could give you a stretchier sac to work with, whereas dipping in cold water/splashing it on them will get your sac tight that could make gliding over them easier. I’d go with the former option, but if you find it lacking, consider the latter. You might have better results with a safety razor—with that, there would be no moving teeth threatening your balls. You might also look into a razor like a Finishing Touch Flawless, as its cutting mechanism may be different than the one on the razor you’re using (my pubes razor has two sets of jagged teeth that seem antithetical to keeping my nethers safe.)

I never have the patience to get a totally clean shave in (a self-imposed ideal). It’s tough! I understand wanting to avoid waxing, but you should perhaps reconsider Nair (or a product like it), as when done right it may give you the results you want with the least amount of pain. You do have to be careful, though, not to burn yourself. I don’t have experience there myself, but someone detailed his technique on Reddit, and it’s worth reading, considering your goals.

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Dear How to Do It,

I am a cis-het woman. For all of my sex life, I have not been particularly aroused by my partners. I’ve slept with men I was attracted to and men I wasn’t very attracted to with not much difference in arousal. When I fantasize, I think of types of sex that are taboo, like in public places, unprotected sex with strangers, or sleeping with a very powerful boss. These are things I would never do. As long as I use a vibrator, I’m guaranteed to climax and don’t need to think about the other scenarios, but I’ve never been able to climax while thinking about my partner. What does this say about how I’m aroused or my sexuality? Is there a way to change this? I know some people do role-playing, but I’m just not comfortable with that. Is it normal to not think about my partner or not be aroused by their attractiveness?

—Attractive Problems

Dear Attractive Problems,

There’s a little bit of syntax to untangle here. There is a possibility that you are asexual, which is generally currently defined as lacking sexual attraction for other people. You mention attraction in your letter, but I wonder if you have been sexually attracted to the partners that you describe as being attracted to—were the men you regarded as merely good looking (thus attractive), or did you want them to a degree that was galvanizing? In I Am Ace, writer Cody Daigle-Orians breaks down sexual attraction like this: “It’s seeing that person who’s ‘your type’ and being drawn to them in a sexual way. It’s feeling that pull to be sexual or experience something sexual in the specific direction of a person.” Note that arousal is distinct from attraction, but what I’m wondering is if that pull was there in the first place. If it wasn’t, you might be asexual and should read more on the subject to familiarize yourself with all that it entails.

Another possibility is that you’re having only vanilla sex when in fact you’re kinky. If the sex isn’t right for you, it might not matter whom you’re having it with. (Conversely, there are kinky people who prioritize what their partner is into and enthusiastic about over the aesthetic features that non-kinky people might use as their primary determinants of attraction.) Role-play can be a great way to engage with taboos that you don’t actually want to go through with—it’s worth interrogating your discomfort there. If nothing else, I urge you to seek partners who are into what you’re into—you could look/advertise on apps like FetLife. They may engage you in a way that you haven’t been before (even if it’s just verbally), and they may have ideas that will allow you to pursue your interests in manners that you’re comfortable with.

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Dear How to Do It,

My 12-year marriage ended recently, and while I have no desire to try any kind of relationship for a long time, I would like casual sex. I’m a single mom in my mid-30s, an androgynous nonbinary person who likes men, and also someone very out of touch with modern hookup culture/tech. Arranging nighttime childcare for my preschooler is difficult and I can’t imagine managing your typical nighttime hookup more than once in a blue moon. But, as a self-employed person who works from home, short midday hookups would be easy. Is this a thing people in their 30s do? What app would someone like me use for that? Google has been so unhelpful I’m feeling like I must be some lone pervert asking about this, but I’m just trying to be practical. Thanks for your help.

—Pragmatic Lunchtime Sex

Dear Pragmatic Lunchtime Sex,

In the absence of some kind of inclusive, national sex survey, I can offer you some anecdotal evidence: People in their 30s do indeed indulge in short midday hookups. Keep in mind that my sample is of urban gay men who have no shortage of potential partners and/or venues to host them. But it does seem reasonable that you should be able to attain the sex you want according to your schedule. I’m a big fan of Feeld, and recommend it frequently in this column, but I think you could even use something like Match or Tinder—basically any app is a hook-up app if you open it right.

A few hook-up tips from a seasoned pro: You are probably better off meeting someone in a non-sexual setting (like at a bar/coffee shop) before proceeding to the hookup, but believe me, I know that for scheduling and other reasons, it doesn’t always work out like that. Try not to get your hopes up—people lie and use old (and just plain fraudulent) pics. Make sure you prioritize your safety—do not hook up even at the inkling of a red flag or bad feeling on your part. You might keep some kind of tool within reach that you could use in the event of an emergency/attack; I don’t want to scare you, but it’s good to prepare for a worst-case scenario. Also, hooking up with strangers is a way to find fuck buds, but it’s not a perfect method. Many people are one-and-done, and that’s not necessarily a referendum on your performance or attractiveness. It’s just how some people operate. As with many things, having reasonable expectations and not taking things too personally will position you to enjoy all that casual sex has to offer.

—Rich

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